self-forgiveness & the most important thing


The truth behind my 6-month absence from this blog is, I lost my mojo. 

I lost it because I lost a pregnancy at 3 months. I lost it because my husband's chronic pain was at its worst. I lost it because I lost hope.

The beauty of this story is that I came to an essential realisation about living well - hope is the most important thing. 

With hope, you can live through anything. Hope is to coping as oxygen is to fire. You get it.

This year, I'm happy to report I'm doing pretty well. 'The Most Important Thing' is back, in part because I'm taking antidepressants and in part because I forgave myself.

I forgave myself for turning my back on my blog, for not returning friends' calls, for not eating enough vegetables and for craving carbs instead. I forgave myself for turning into someone I didn't like. 

It was only when I showed myself compassion that I began to feel warm again. Words started to flow again. The sky, once again, looked blue. 

Yes, my vegetable consumption increased.

Compassion is not something we practise on ourselves very often. It's commonly mistaken for self-indulgence and since no one wants to be self-indulgent... well. A cruel catch 22.

In his book A Path with Heart, Jack Kornfield writes that the key to a peaceful life is to show compassion and loving kindness. He discusses that we are not capable of showing others these virtues if we haven't shown them to ourselves first.

It's a lesson I had to learn.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Lewis Smedes.



photo above by George Downing

19 comments:

  1. I've re read this a few times & I've been thinking of what to say. I haven't come up with anything profound except that I really feel for you. So many of us have been there, at the lowest of lows, but I'm so glad you've found hope & forgiveness & keep swimming toward that surface xxx

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  2. So sorry to hear about your recent struggles Maria, but great to have you back and hear you're on the mend. And even better to hear you're back on the extra vegetables...they'll sort you out : )

    Take things slowly, no need to rush x

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  3. Thanks everyone, I'm glad to be back. Grateful for your kind words :)

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  4. welcome back! you have so many good, wonderful things to share, I hope that you feel renewed :)

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  5. It's great that you've come to this point and I hope, for you, that it can be one of revival. This experience should make you stronger.

    You share a lot of love through your work on this blog. Take some of that love for yourself.

    I'm glad you're back and what a lovely quote at the end there!

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    1. Thank you James, what a good thing to say :)

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  6. Great to see you back, Maria! I missed you. Time and hope will always heal our souls. You are true to yourself - thanks for sharing your thoughts and being an inspiration to others.

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    1. Hi Stefania, thank you so much x

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  7. Your display of vulnerability and humanity is very brave. Sharing moments like this is so important in making the world a more loving, more accepting and more real place. Thank you and welcome back!

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    1. Thank you Antoanela, although I don't consider myself brave, I just truly believe that the more we share, the better off we all are.

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  8. Well done Maria. To go to the black hole and return to the world is a struggle many of us know and sympathise with. So glad you're back - take it easy & be kind to yourself.

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    1. Will do, thank you Karen!

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  9. So happy you're back and doing better. It takes a lot of courage to allow oneself to accept and love even the darkest moments and most hidden distructive parts of the soul. Thank you for allowing us to, at least virtually, be part of the process. Oh, and keep up the vegetables...:)

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  10. Hi Maria, haven't been blogging for a while and then caught this post. You know I sometimes forget that you are dealing with things ( you shared quite a while back) because you do such beautifully positive posts that lift us up. I am glad you are back and connecting ....hugs and love from a girl who just loves to quietly read your posts and thinks you are amazing. I wish sunshine to touch your life once more and for you to always remember there are always people who care.xx

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    1. Thank you so much Kim, that is a beautiful thing to say. Thank you :)

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