Losing something that matters. A lesson.

About a month ago, I lost my pregnancy. That's something that mattered. I was 12 weeks along when I found out that the heart had stopped at 11 weeks. In the instant the sonographer told us, my world imploded. And my heart, my heart crumbled into dust. It's not the first time. But this isn’t a sob story. I want to share this because this time I learnt an important lesson, a lesson that’s brought some relief. And given me a better life perspective.

We are not in control. But we'll be okay.

photo by Martin Stranka

Sure we’re in control of what colour undies we’ll wear today. But mostly, largely, we are floating feathers at the whim of something much more powerful than us... nature. No, we're not at the whim of it. We are nature. We forget that, I think.

Understanding we're not in control means we can end the 'why me' dialogue, that prickly dialogue that anchors us to the incident so that we're unable to move. (We get stuck looking for the answer. We never find it. It doesn't exist.)

Understanding we're not in control means we can accept uncertainty. Freedom comes with that acceptance.

Understanding we're not in control of the things that happen to us, but we are in control of how we react, means we can have hope even in the face of despair. There's not a lot more powerful than understanding that.

Understanding we're not in control means that when Shit Happens, we can feel the sorrow and then move forward. We're free to do that. We're free to release the anchor and swim on. Better, stronger, kinder. That's the part we can control.

*It turns out I had a partial molar pregnancy. It occurs in less than 1 in 1,000 pregnancies in Australia, so chances are you’ve never heard of it. But it happens and I wanted to add this little note to draw attention to it so that it’s recognised. For more info on molar pregnancies, see here. And please, if you’ve been through a pregnancy loss and need support, contact a service like Bears of Hope.


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